How to Love Your Friend with ADHD Well

Oh, how frustrating it is to be interrupted mid-sentence. What a drag it is to have your favorite sweatshirt, the one your friend borrowed, lost. If you have a friend who has Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD), you are probably familiar with these little quirks. You’re probably reading this right now because you’re waiting for that friend who is, once again, late for your coffee date.

You’ve referred to your friend as “scatterbrained” a few times, mumbled under your breath, of course. You’ve sighed when they forget your birthday, even though you reminded them twice. You’ve texted, “No worries” with the gratuitous smiley face while actually stewing a little. And yet, here you are, waiting, but still showing up for them for your once-a-week standing coffee date, even when they are nowhere to be found.

Loving someone with ADHD forces you to let go of the idea of perfection. Letting go becomes a lot easier when you realize that the same brain that forgets your birthday also remembers the lyrics of every obscure indie song that you love. While that brain that you adore may be a little chaotic, it is also wildly creative, intensely loyal, and deeply feeling.

How to Show Love to Someone with ADHD

One of the best ways to show your friend with ADHD love is through the giving of grace. Not the “passive-aggressive” kind that wants to squeeze in a few snarky remarks, but the real kind of grace that we see modeled in the life of Christ. Offering grace is much easier to do when you remind yourself that their forgetfulness isn’t careless and being late doesn’t mean they don’t value your time. It’s just a byproduct of the unique way that their brains are wired.

Showing grace is easier said than done, of course. There will be moments when your patience wears thin, like when your texts go unanswered. But instead of getting angry, practice gentle honesty. Just remind your friend that it’s hurtful when you’re forgotten, and remind yourself not to take it personally.

Don’t be surprised if you have to have that conversation more than once. But rest assured that their actions don’t necessarily reflect their innermost feelings and thoughts. You may not seem like a priority, but that doesn’t mean that they don’t deeply value you.

If you need help having difficult conversations or creating healthy boundaries with someone with ADHD, therapy can help. A good therapist can offer tools for better communication and help you understand what is truly going on under the surface of your friendship. You might even be pleasantly surprised to find out that those things that you interpreted as uncaring are just part of the ADHD brain.

In those moments when your friend has forgotten to show up or loses their keys for the fourth time that day, remember that God loves them just as He loves you with all your and their imperfections. He’s not keeping score, shaking His head, or rolling His eyes. He’s patient and meets us in the middle of the mess.

Let that reminder soften you because loving someone with ADHD can be difficult sometimes. But it is not your job to fix them or even tolerate them until they “get it all together.” It’s your job, as their friend, to walk alongside them and to choose relationships over assumptions.