Building Self-esteem, God’s Way

Self-esteem has been defined as the evaluation that a person makes of themself in comparison to some standard, or the way they have come to think of themselves habitually. While this has always been a concern for humans throughout history, in our current Western culture, building self-esteem seems to be an obsession.

The advertising industry is fueled by taglines selling products to “make you look and feel great about yourself”, and bookshops are lined with books offering self-help remedies and strategies to improve self-confidence.

While some remedies are helpful, they are often short-lived, as they do not go to the root of the issue. The Bible, in giving us everything we need for life and godliness, is not silent on the issue of self-esteem, but instead points out some faulty thinking that we tend to naturally gravitate toward.

What makes up one’s self-esteem?

The areas where people evaluate themselves to derive their self-image tend to fall into four categories. These include:

Performance – This relates to what you do; whether it’s in the classroom, on the athletic field, at work, or at home as a parent with children. This category relates to abilities and how good we are at performing the various roles in our lives.

Background – People naturally tend to use “pedigree” as an evaluation category for building self-esteem. This could be where you were born and the wealth of your family, which school or college you studied at, or even which sports team you support. This element gives a source of belonging or pride (or the opposite, depending on one’s evaluation).

Acceptability – This is how we feel about our relationships with family members and friends, and concerns how lovable we feel. This is an area where one’s upbringing and past can have a direct impact on how we feel about ourselves and how we evaluate others’ love in the present.

Significance – This has to do with the perception of the meaning of our lives – where we fit into the bigger scheme of things, and how we’ll be remembered or the impact we will make.

Changing the goalposts

Building self-esteem based on our perceptions of our successes in the above four categories is a precarious business. To find out about how we see ourselves faring, we tend to look to other people’s opinions.

This means that what is important can shift according to the circumstances we find ourselves in (a mother who moves into a community where home baking is prioritized above other areas will need to evaluate herself on a new scale, for example). Feelings also shift enormously from one moment to the next as life experiences change (getting a promotion at work versus being demoted, for instance).

We also naturally tend to place importance on some areas more than others. One student could focus wholeheartedly on their studies, and build self-esteem based on their academic achievements, whereas another could attain high marks, but be far more concerned with their popularity with peers and friends.

Variations also occur in the conclusions that we come to. Some of us will blame something externally when things do not work out in the way we hoped for them to (“The coach was unfair when picking the team and that is why I got left out”); some of us will generalize from one event to the rest of life (“I never got picked for the team so my whole life is a failure”), whereas others will separate them (“I am still successful in my academic life”).

There are additional discrepancies that come into play and ultimately affect the conclusions that are drawn from our various successes and failures.

Building self-esteem based on God’s design

Even if a person enjoys relatively stable self-esteem and feels that they fare “relatively well” on the categories that they have personally prioritized, the reality is that there is not much self-congratulation that should take place. And for those who struggle with building self-esteem, the good news is that we shouldn’t be looking to these categories to gain an estimation of our success.

The Bible tells us foundational truths about who we are in the first chapter of the Bible when God tells us how we were made. In Genesis 1:26 it says: “Then God said, ‘Let us make human beings in our image, in our likeness, so that they may rule over the fish in the sea and the birds in the sky, over the livestock and all the wild animals, and over all the creatures that move along the ground.’

The key is that we are made in the image of God. This means that we are like a model based on Him, and that, to know ourselves, we must know and understand Him. As our identity comes from beyond ourselves, it is dependent on God. To search for a way to conceive of it that doesn’t begin with God is bound to fail. French theologian, pastor, and reformer John Calvin put it this way:

“No man can take a survey of himself but he must immediately turn to the contemplation of God in whom he lives and moves; because it is perfectly obvious, that the endowments which we possess cannot possibly be from ourselves.”

All around us, we see people trying to define who they are and what their significance is based on what they feel or think of themselves or turning to their relationships or possessions as a tool for building self-esteem.

Fallen by nature

This doesn’t work out well, as, in our fallen state, we are sinners. This means that each and every one of us goes through life with a sense that we have a shameful admission to make. We are guilty before God, and, yet, until we come to faith in Jesus Christ, we remain darkened in our thinking and simply feel that we are not good enough.

Some of us feel guilty about sinful acts that we have done, and this lowers our self-esteem, but many of us consider ourselves “respectable” and therefore confused as to why healthy self-esteem is so elusive.

A new identity in Christ

As Christians, we are part of God’s new creation in Christ. As 2 Corinthians 5:17 puts it: “Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come. The old has gone, the new is here!”

This means that Jesus’ death paid the price for our sins, and we not only have our old shameful identity forgiven and washed away, but we also have a new identity in Christ. This is something to rejoice in and celebrate and is essential in building self-esteem that is not rooted in self, but in who God is and who He has made us!

Meditating on the truths of our new identity is something that Christian counselors effectively use to help individuals struggle with a self-esteem crisis. It is not about looking within and trying to see things in ourselves that will ultimately help us with this problem, but about accepting who we are as children of God. Some of the truths that can be reflected on include:

• I have been justified freely (Romans 3:24)
• I have been washed and sanctified (1 Corinthians 6:11)
• I face no condemnation (Romans 8:1)
• I have been adopted as God’s child (Galatians 4:5)
• I have received the Spirit to call God ‘Father’ (Romans 8:15)
• I am part of God’s chosen people and holy nation (1 Peter 2:9)

The correct self-image for a Christian is therefore not pride in ourselves or what we have done, but rather glorifying in what Christ has done for us and continues to do for us.

This journey of building self-esteem is truly freeing but can be difficult because of the messages we receive from the world around us on a daily basis, and that we have come to accept as truth. A Christian counselor can walk this road with you and shine a light of truth into your heart and life. Contact our offices today to set up an appointment.