How to Communicate Better with Teens

Teens can be tricky to communicate with at the best of times, especially when they are putting up walls and determining their boundaries. They need the space to find their identity and gain independence, but they also need support, love, and assurance from their parents, even if they can’t express that need. How do we communicate better and connect with our teens when it feels like so much space has come between us?

Teenage needs

Many teenagers focus on winning approval from peers and determining their values individually and independently from family expectations. This could mean that they start taking part in risky behaviors, which might include things like becoming sexually active and trying substances for the first time.

Many parents fear losing control of their kids in this way and naturally worry about their teens’ future. To regain control, they might resort to lecturing, warning, grounding, and other disciplinary measures. Unfortunately, disciplinary measures like this tend to create more distance between teens and parents, leaving the teens in a more vulnerable state than before.

Teens want to be seen as mature even when they don’t behave that way. They want their preferences paid attention to and their voices heard. They need someone who will try to understand them, from a place of curiosity and non-judgment.

This can be a challenge for controlling parents who believe they are privileged to every bit of information regarding their kids. The truth is, as teens begin to age, things like privacy and space are healthy for their development.

Communicate better by being curious, not critical

Teenagers feel valued when you observe their world, but don’t try to fit yourself into it. Communicating with teens often means finding the balance between keeping a distance and holding them close. A productive approach will require curiosity and respectful investment in their lives.

One of the simplest but most effective things you can do when communicating with teens is to remember details. Things like friends’ names, test scores, and favorite singers or songs might seem trivial to parents, or intimidating to remember, but they are the details that make up a teenager’s life.

To remember them and ask about them is a kind of teen love language; they feel noticed and cared for if you show that you know the small but important things in their life.

This lays an important foundation for communication. Teens need parents that they can approach with stories, information, and questions. Demanding explanations or detailed accounts of how they spend their time will surely cause them to establish boundaries and walls.

Open-ended questions like, “What was your favorite part of this weekend?” or, “How are you feeling about school?” communicate curiosity and interest and allow teens to express themselves. They also provide important information to you as a parent. How a teen responds to these types of questions can give you a lot of information, without them feeling interrogated or judged.

You can glean information about their friendship circles, activities, and preferences through simple conversations built on open-ended questions. Even if they hold their cards close to their chest and don’t reveal too much, you can establish a connection with them that is built on curiosity and not criticism. This will allow them to volunteer information about their lives when they feel ready.

Respect-based communication

This communication style might be summed up as giving space, showing grace, and knowing your place. Sometimes we need to be reminded that our teenagers will soon be adults, making their own choices and mistakes. Our job as parents of teens is to prepare them for a world that they will one day have to navigate alone, even if only for a season before they have their own family.

It might be different from what you experienced as a teen, and it might not work for every individual. When teens are deep in addictive behavior, or struggling with mental health problems, it might take more than communication adjustments to help them. If you feel like you are at a loss as you try to develop better communication with your teenager, you may want to consider counseling or talk therapy.

Sometimes having a third party to share space with is precisely what is needed for a struggling teenager. They might resist the idea of sharing their thoughts with a third party, as many people worry about confidentiality. It may be helpful for you to go for counseling as a parent, and report about your experience. Parents need help too, after all.

How to communicate better with teens

If this sounds like something you would like for yourself or your teen, contact our offices today. We have counselors who are ready to assist you in navigating adolescence with your child. Reach out if you feel you need that extra support.